It’s safe to say that I’ve felt the squeeze for a couple years now. Sure, I’ve always had family, exes and outsiders challenging me on when I was going to submit to a normal life but, just recently, I’m ashamed to say that those words are sinking in and I’ve started to wane.
Yep. 14 years deep, my biggest supporter, me, has grown tired.
Maybe it’s my age. Maybe it’s the Devil. Maybe it’s reality. Maybe it’s weakness and doubt or clarity and smarts but whatever it is, it’s not subtle.
What makes this battle most difficult is the fact that there is a hideously ugly relationship between time and success: Just as I’m beginning to taste some of the most tangible victories in all of my career (as a result of my tireless efforts across the years), society’s noose and nature’s timeline are tightening. Just as I’m seeing monumentally legitimate opportunities presenting themselves in bold colors, other doors are creaking closed.
While this tug-o-war takes place in the biology of my body (head, heart, gut, balls, etc), it was timely to wake today to find this quote posted by a colleague:
“Singers and Musicians are some of the most driven, courageous people on the face of the earth. They deal with more day-to-day rejection in one year than most people do in a lifetime. Every day, they face the financial challenge of living a freelance lifestyle, the disrespect of people who think they should get real jobs, and their own fear that they’ll never work again. Every day, they have to ignore the possibility that the vision they have dedicated their lives to is a pipe dream. With every note, they stretch themselves, emotionally and physically, risking criticism and judgment. With every passing year, many of them watch as the other people their age achieve the predictable milestones of normal life – the car, the family, the house, the nest egg. Why? Because musicians and singers are willing to give their entire lives to a moment – to that melody, that lyric, that chord, or that interpretation that will stir the audience’s soul. Singers and Musicians are beings who have tasted life’s nectar in that crystal moment when they poured out their creative spirit and touched another’s heart. In that instant, they were as close to magic, God, and perfection as anyone could ever be. And in their own hearts, they know that to dedicate oneself to that moment is worth a thousand lifetimes.”
-David Ackert, LA Times
I’ve often felt that what I do is a calling, not a hobby and while it’s nearly impossible to persuade anyone other than myself of this belief, I thought this quote nearly put my heart into words. It somewhat summarizes the fire in my belly and the reason I have sacrificed so much for the sake of song.
Ah, to be, or not to be, that is the question.
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